I think that the worst part of this depression is that it caught me off guard. Life was so great, and then it wasn’t.
Despite applying all of my tools, despite showing up through it and trusting – it has me in its grips, and I just want to surrender, I want to stop trying to hold my life together, and let it all fall apart. It wants to SO BADLY, why must I fight? Why do I have to fight for faith in what never seems to fight for me? This is the story of my life. I bend myself in unnatural ways to prove myself to someone who will never see me or have faith in me.
I’m angry at the sky, but my anger is not as big as my desire to not. There is the part of me still aware of the life – but there is the weight of no longer caring. I want to want it, but I want not. I want nothing. Logically I understand this is how depression works, numbing the mind so it no longer has to feel the longing or the joy of the spirit. I cannot want it because in recognizing that I had it, and that I genuinely don’t know how to get out of this, the pain is too much.
I’m not asking for advice, or offers for help. The help that I need is not something that is available, and quite honestly it is a burden when people offer what is not helpful to make themselves feel better. I appreciate that people care and want to be of service – but it is exhausting performing the role of the graciously suffering. I have to help myself, and I will, just as soon as the magical & inaccessible switch flips in its on good time, on its own damn schedule. Until then – I will keep showing up, keep laughing, keep using the tools – and hope that soon I will want again, before my life is once again ashes.
I just don’t want to be silent. What I really want is to scream my soul directly out of my body, and then bring it back in again, refreshed and ready to love living. But this is not the ghost town, and we do not conduct our civil selves in such a way – so I’ll post this blog post that nobody will read, and go about the business of existing.