For the past few weeks (or 1,715 weeks, depending) I have been working to step more into myself. I’ve been letting (or unable to stop) little bits of truth find all of the cracks left from the sheer pressure of trying to be or do or say whatever it is that has been keeping me safe for the past 2, 32, 5, 20 years.
And a scary thing has happened. People are misunderstanding me. People are rejecting me. People I care about. I keep skittering back into hiding, deleting posts, hiding what is real to keep safe all the parts I’m not sure can withstand …. Me. Accept me. Love me. Trust me. Hire me. Enjoy me.
It’s easy to say alienate all the people! Fuck what people think, you aren’t for everyone! It’s true. But what about when those people are your people, not your potential broad market, but your friends or family. What happens when keeping your truth tucked away has been a safety mechanism to maintain what is safe and familiar, and you’ve built a fucking life on this fault line, on this fallacy. You rumble and hint that something is coming, but the only way to shift is to warp the entire landscape of your life – and there will be casualties. People who count on the lie of you.
Each time I rise and rise again, I watch another set of forevers slip away from me and am reminded that I am figment, a shit person who can’t maintain relationships or paths or my car. The rise is pushing against my edges and like a baby just about to crown, I am torn between desperately wanting the relief that will come when it breaks free, and absolute terror over the final push.
I keep asking myself – what is different? How is this life different, better, than any other life I have lived in these 33ish years? And this is the answer: I am here for this. I am standing in this. I am not running. I might tuck myself away from moments, to collect myself, to gather my gumption, but I am not going to stop until anything that doesn’t feel true and good is shed, until all that is left is me, new and naked, looking at whoever else is here for this. And anyone who isn’t, I release, I forgive, I love anyway for our time together in a truth that used to be.